The Journey

And there I stood before the opening; did I want to go?  

How shall I get there, I wondered.

Where exactly?

“Through art” my soul said; let your inner artist rise.

“You have kept her alive all these years

Along with the crumbs you left her,

She hung on to the promise of you returning

You have work to do!

A relationship to build.

The tools you need are in you to use.

Pick up your brushes and paint,

Your journals and pens.

Get to it.”

And just like that, I got to work.

Yes! It was time for art

It was time to write the book

I always dreamed of writing.

And eventually, this place I escaped to

Became my own little world.

Where I learned to be alone

With my thoughts, art and journals.

In the present

Setting the past free,

And looking to the future

With so much yet to do.

I felt alone at times,

Yet I could not share

Neither painting nor verse.

Of all the soul conversations

Telling of lifetimes before me

The depths of my thoughts

Leaving me de-based and on edge.

Far too incredible to explain.

I must be some how inventing all this!

As I painted with my thoughts,

The words followed and lead me to explore

With the eyes of wisdom and maturity of soul

I began to see all that I took on

Or took on to me without knowing

The things I came to believe,

That were never mine in the first place.

The stories came and stayed

Along with the healing that a change in perspective brings.

And that's how it unfolded.

Between the light and the darkness

Re-connecting with my soul.

My sense of self re-gaining

Paying attention and questioning

Where does this come from?

Do I need this anymore, if ever?

Seeing all the ways in which

There may be contradiction between who I am

And who I want to be.

All slowly revealing the inherent flaws of my being

Definitions of who I should be; societal or otherwise

Following versions of who I could or should be.

At times stuck in remnants of habitual self-sabotage

Thinking too much and not feeling enough.

Yes, this part of the journey

Is best traveled alone.

So sensitive and vulnerable it can be

As you reveal all the ways in which

You’ve changed yourself.

No wonder you feel lost.

As I stripped layer and layer of conditioning and,

Compromises that eroded at the best parts of me.

I saw how I dimmed my light

So as to not blind those sensitive to it.

I tamed my spirit

Fed their light

While mine died off.

“Can you trust me?”

I heard from within.

Can I trust myself?

No one knows me better I thought

Until I found all I abandoned along the way.

Will they know who I was

The woman within the mom.

I always wanted to give them the world

And all i wished I had

Making the path sturdy and well lit;

A home with love, kindness and respect

For self and others

Good and grateful humans

We all should be.

And they certainly are all that and so much more.

Will they always feel

Just how much I loved them

Will they see

How I found it all in the end.

It’s never too late my soul said,

Until it is, and that is the moment you die.

Every day is meant for living

Being the best version of yourself

In whatever way you can

Pick up the parts of you

Dropped along the way,

And welcome them like an old friend.

And with my sight set on all that I love,

Gradually, i found my way here.

My days filled with purpose

And all I need and love within reach

Trusting there is a reason I'm meant to be here

Launching this art and the stories

I was blessed to receive.

As outrageous as this has felt;

I am following my heart

And embracing that YES

It is outrageous and that suits me just fine.

Come with me if you will

Let's see where this will go.

Let's be cool with being imperfect souls,

Real humans talking real things

Let's see what each of us can do

To leave this place better.

Out of our own fog we must rise;

Look at it as it bellows up

See its essence as you watch it dissipate,

Evaporated away with the rising sun.

And for you my loves

The story of my life

Left for you to uncover

As I promised myself I'd leave for you.

What will you see

In the canvases from my soul?

I hope you see it all

My light and my darkness

The shades of rose and grey

Woven through the fabric

The parts we weaved together and the parts

Before and after.

And such is life.

It is all what we make of it.

Best of all

I left you stories;

The stories of my soul.

And the outrageous woman

Chasing a dream.